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Thursday, October 13, 2011

I should have written a poem about this.

Ordinarily when I feel angsty or somewhere otherwise on the negative spectrum about something, that's the best time to write poetry.  But today I feel like blogging instead.

There's a pervasive feeling that I can't shake, one I don't like to think about or own up to.  It's deeper than even the food addiction confessions I made early on in this blog.  It's deeper than realizing (and writing about) how I was hoarding self-loathing feelings underneath layers of pride.

Yet, it's likely blatantly obvious to everyone but me.  I have no idea.

I'm alone and I'm getting tired of it.


There, I said it.  I'm actually not alone at all, considering my family lives just a few miles away and I'm blessed to have them as well as a few good trustworthy friends.  There are men who adore me but I won't let them get close.  I don't trust them.  I don't trust myself.  I do trust myself but not with men.  Oh, I'm making no sense.  This is why I can't write a poem...because I don't understand what I'm feeling well enough to convey it in a few punchy words.

The holidays coming soon depress me.  For several years now, for one reason or another, I haven't been in the mood to celebrate.  Last year, I sorta celebrated, by having an ugly Christmas sweater party.  I drank a lot of wine and made out with some dude I've known since Kindergarten.  Merry Christmas? Lol.

The year before that, my aunt had just died at the hand of her evil boyfriend, so my family was in no mood to celebrate.  I had flown back to WV from CA after the news of her death, and stayed for ten days, but I had to get back to my job in CA so I wasn't able to stay for Christmas.  It's not like anyone felt like celebrating anyway.  I spent the day alone on the beach, wrapped up in a hoodie, bent over a fresh notebook with my favorite pen.

The year before that was my first year in California and I really didn't know very many people.  I have no clear recollection of how I spent Christmas so I guess it wasn't notable.

The year before that, I had just finally summoned the tiny spark of courage I had left inside my broken soul to get myself out of an abusive relationship that had been eroding my self worth for years.  I was in WV for Christmas, which was nice, since I was happy to be away from him and with my family.  But I was a completely broken person.  My body was weak and bruised, my heart was completely shredded, my soul was uncertain and terrified of the light.

Since that day that nightmare ended, I have struggled enormously in figuring out how to heal.  It has taken a lot longer than I ever imagined it would.  Three years later and I'm still feeling twinges of shame for how much time I wasted letting someone abuse me and tear down my self esteem.  Three years later and I'm finally just starting to fully understand how much I was starving myself of my own love and affection.  Only since I started this weight loss journey (which by the way is about a hell of a lot more than weight loss) have I truly started to recognize how self loathing I've been all these years.  I have made great strides in these past few months.  I've learned how to honestly love and respect myself, but it's still a battle every day to remind myself to behave in ways that reflect these things.  One thing I never really got until recently is that behavior is a product of thought, and so behavior very much reflects on how we think about ourselves.  They cannot be separated.  Thought is reflected in behavior and behavior is reflected in thought.  So I bat away unhealthy thoughts as much as possible, and try to engage in healthy behavior and make healthy decisions for myself.  And by 'healthy' I don't just mean eating salad instead of a Big Mac; I also mean making sure that I get (and give) respect from and to all who interact with me, including from myself.

So on the subject of batting away unhealthy thoughts, I tend to bat away thoughts about wanting a partner.  I don't like thinking about wanting to be in a relationship.  I know that I have a ton of stuff to take care of for myself.  I know that I have a lot of work to do in many areas of my life before I will feel ready to start dating.

There are a couple of reasons for this.  First, because I'm a strong believer in the notion that another person can never complete you or make you happy.  I think we must all take responsibility for our own happiness.  So I'm going to round myself out (figuratively--NOT literally! lol!) by myself.  I'm going to put all the hard work in and make all the necessary changes on my own, for me, not because I want to be what somebody else wants or needs me to be.  Because I care about the quality of my life.  Because I love being alive and I want to soak up every second on this vibrant planet.  Because I believe I deserve whatever I can dream up so long as I am willing to put forth the work to achieve it.

The second reason is because of something I heard a pastor say in a talk he was giving to young, single folks. I don't ordinarily listen to pastors as I am not religious at all and have no faith in any gods.  However, the guy had a great point when he said that the notion that there is a right person for everyone is a myth.  He said when people say, "Oh, none of those relationships in my past worked out because I just haven't met the right person yet," they're lying to themselves.  He said that each of us should stop expecting all in the world to become right when we meet the "right person" and instead take the responsibility to make things right in our worlds for ourselves.  He also said we should ask ourselves the following question: "Am I the kind of person that the person I'm looking for is looking for?"  I have mentioned this before in my writing, perhaps.  It's a question worth asking.

So basically there was no point to this blog, other than for me to admit that I do wish I had a partner in life even though I know now isn't the best time to go looking for one.  I figured maybe if I could admit this very private feeling that I usually bury deep within my mind, maybe I could let go of it a bit.  I'm sick of having it cross my mind on the daily.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Plateau Defeated!

I am thrilled to report that I finally got over the plateau I was battling for the last couple of weeks.  Looking back, I feel kind of dumb for wigging out as much as I did about it, lol.

I stopped weighing myself daily, which was a major help.  Now that I have managed to get ahold of myself and stop obsessing about the number on a daily basis, I can see how not helpful it was for me to stay so focused on that number every day.  After 7 days of not weighing in, I was very happy to see a 2.5 pound loss when I weighed in this past Saturday.  I actually got up, waited to eat or drink, and drove over to my parents' house (where I stashed my scale, so I wouldn't be tempted, lol) so I could weigh myself Saturday morning.  I remember staring at the wall in front of me while I waited for the number to populate, being all dramatic and thinking, Okay, this is the moment of truth, please be a lower number, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease, I swear baby Jesus I'll never do anything bad again as long as I live so help me god amen.  LOL.

So my total pounds lost now are around 29.  This number represents perseverance.  It has been many years since I lost that much weight.  Oh, sure, I've made many attempts, losing 10 here, 15 there, but 29 means I've stayed focused for a good long chunk of time.  29 means I'm in it for the long haul.  29 means I mean business.  29 means that when I turn 30 on June 8, 2012, I will be a brand new woman.

I went over my weekly calorie budget by about 800 calories.  This is the furthest I've gone over in several weeks.  I'm not trippin though.  I actually have my phone app set at 300 per day below what it says I should eat to lose at a rate of 2 pounds per week, so if I go a few hundred over during the course of a whole week, it's no big deal.  I'm still well within that 2 pound a week range.  After all, this is a lifestyle, not a diet.  Not every week is going to be exactly like the week before.  Within each week, I have days that I go under, and days that I go over.  And the same can be said for weeks.  There will be weeks that I eat more, and weeks that I eat less.  The point is to stay mindful of what I'm eating, to keep in the habit of exercise, and enjoy the inner peace that discipline and productiveness bring to my life.

Next week I'm headed to the beach for five glorious autumn days.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

HUNGRY GIRL!

I have gone over my calorie budget by anywhere from 300-600 calories per day for the past three days.  And it hasn't been because of mindless snacking.  It's been because of hunger!  I can't justify starving myself when I am honestly, sincerely hungry, so I decided to go ahead and eat when my body was telling me to eat which is what sent me sailing over my calorie budgets last few days.  I did make good choices, like for example I ate a big bowl of steamed broccoli last night with 0 cal butterspray.  But that was after I ate an extra cup of chili, and a smoothie. Lol. :(

Someone on the Lose It! forum (this is a website I got involved in through my phone app for calorie counting) told me that sometimes your body is asking you to refuel after a prolonged period of creating a calorie deficit.  So I'm gonna go with that, lol.  I have no idea how much truth there is to that--does anyone know?

So my goal for today, and this week in general, is to stay within my calorie budget, and in order to do that I'm taking action in a couple of different ways.  I'm going to try to eat a bit more during the work day so that I'm not so ravenous when I get home at night.  I'm going to drink more water (I usually do pretty good with this but feel like I've slacked off last couple days).  I'm going to up my veggie intake dramatically to fill myself up with low calorie goodness.  And I've upped my exercise from 20 minutes to 30 minutes per session.

I haven't weighed myself in a few days but the last time I did, I was about a pound lower than when my plateau started, so that's something at least.  I took my scale to my parents' house where it will stay until October 17th, which is the day before I leave to go on vacation for 5 days at Myrtle Beach.  I would love to get 5 pounds off from my last logged weigh-in by then.  I also think weighing before I leave for vacation will help keep me mindful while I'm at the beach.  We are staying in a room with a kitchen, and it's just my best friend and I going, so we plan to cook nearly every meal.  There is honestly no reason why I shouldn't be able to stick to my diet fairly well while there.  I can take walks on the beach for exercise.  The only thing that will mess me up is wine, but dammit I'm drinking wine on my vacation. hehe

So that's your weekly update, mamas.  Sorry it was a day late.  Much love <3