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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Life is like a song.

Please forgive me blogging friends, for I have sinned.  It has been probably at least three, maybe four weeks since I wrote a blog.  I could give you lots of good reasons, like I was on vacation for a week, have been sluggish to get re-motivated since then, and have been preoccupied with other mushy things (girly squeal!).  But I have been going through some blog-worthy stuff lately, so let me take some time to get it committed to "paper", and not put it off another second.

First things first: my weight still seems to be creeping in the right direction.  Since my vacation started on October 15, I have struggled to get back into the fierce routine I had going on before.  I haven't really done much in the way of working out, and I haven't been logging every bite of food I eat.  However, I have still remained mindful of what I eat and I haven't lost control of myself and pigged out on anything.  I can feel the lifestyle changes really taking hold of me because I no longer feel the desire like I used to to just chow down on anything within a ten foot radius, lol.  I no longer have to put thought into what I cook or order from a restaurant; it just comes naturally to me now to choose healthy options.  I don't feel deprived for choosing mashed cauliflower over macaroni and cheese or grilled zucchini over a baked potato slathered in butter and sour cream.  This is all very good.  And this is probably the reason why when I weighed myself last week, I was actually 4 pounds lower than my weight the week after vacation, much to my surprise.  I thought since I had slacked from strict adherence to my workouts and food logging that I'd stay the same or gain a couple pounds, but the scale gods have smiled on me lately for whatever reason.

So now my total weight lost is at 32.5 pounds.  Enough to feel a pretty damn big difference in how I look and feel.  I can see that my face is much thinner, less bloated looking, same for my arms and hips/stomach area.  I have gone down a size in clothing, and naturally I'm becoming more interested in clothing again.  I've spent a couple hundred dollars lately on new clothes.  It's amazing how much more confident I feel.  I still have a very long way to go: at least another 100 pounds, ideally.  But this 32.5 is enough to help me feel like I'm getting myself back.  I've never been thin, but I was just simply uncomfortable at the weight I'd allowed myself to reach.  I will never go back there again.  And it feels damn good.

I even bought a dress recently!  Linz does not wear dresses.  Well, fuck that.  I'm tired of abiding by the old rules.  If I want to wear a dress, I will rock that dress.  Okay, I might wear some Spanx with it, lol.  but I will rock it.

Something else has happened to me recently.  This is not something I wanted or expected.  It is not something I was looking for or trying to achieve.  As my readers know, I made the decision when I started this blog and this wellness journey to stop dating.  I decided that dating men was distracting me from my personal goals, and it was hurting my self esteem because it was constantly causing me to call into question my attractiveness and value as a woman.  I'm smart enough to know that in order to find the right person for me, someone who I feel I deserve, and who I can share a happy life with, I need to take care of myself first.  I wanted to take the time to polish myself into the kind of person that the person I've been looking for is looking for.  I wanted to be strong enough, resilient enough, happy enough, confident enough to find someone with all of these qualities as well.  In the state I was in a few months ago, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I was in no shape to find a good partner.  So I made the decision to give up on dating and focus on me.

Seems like when you start doing what you should be doing, when you wise up enough to realize the importance of cultivating your own happiness rather than looking for it in the external, the force of the entire Universe will line up behind you.  That is how I feel these days.  Like I'm being carried by a giant cosmic wave.  I'm enjoying the ride, to say the least.

As you may have gathered, I met someone.  I want to be clear that the way I am feeling these days is not because of him exactly.  Rather, it is because of the way I feel that he has come along.  He feels like an answer to a prayer that I didn't even know I prayed, a prayer my conscious heart denied but my soul has chanted for the last 29 years.  I know I'm sounding really dramatic.  But after all the bullshit I've been through with relationships; the abuse, the self-loathing as a result, the years of pushing people away while simultaneously pining for lovers who were never right or available in the first place: I'm ready.  I'm ready for this man in my life, and I can't wait to tell y'all more about things as they progress.  I never knew how much courage it takes to truly open up and be yourself and allow someone to love you that way.  It's a terrifying, daunting thing.  It's easier to push him away and keep my heart in a cage.  But being scared has never stopped me before and it sure as hell won't now.  I've harnessed enough strength to take what I deserve, and I'm taking it.  I feel like Etta fucking James.  My lonely days might just be over....and life is like a song. :)

I hope everyone out there in blogland is doing great.  I need to make sure I don't let this lovesick crap distract me from my goals.  I think one sign of a good, healthy kind of love is when it doesn't pull you away from your goals but lifts you up and aligns you with them.