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Monday, May 13, 2013

Self-Awareness.

It is Monday at 4:40pm, and I have about five minutes to tap out a blog post before I need to change into my gym clothes and get my butt over to the gym!  Let me just say first of all that I am so grateful to have this gym membership, and I am so glad that I have five solid gym sessions ahead of me right now because I really need them.  I wanted to talk in this post about my observations about how my feelings and behavior change very predictably as my food choices change.  It goes something like this.

I might eat something "bad", which seems harmless in and of itself, and probably is, but each bite makes me more and more likely to eat something else bad, and if I succumb to any of that temptation, then before long, I start feeling bad about myself, and the formerly crisp, clear, strong image of a healthy, fit Linz begins blurring, and I can feel that dream drifting further and further away until reality starts to feel like all I'll ever be is a fat slob, a slave to the food addiction. HOWEVER, I also know that with each GOOD decision, the strong healthy image of myself becomes clearer again, and so I know that I am able to reel myself back to reality just so long as I don't let the bad choices go on for so long that I have completely lost all vision and hope for a better me. So this weekend I slipped up a bit, but I'm moving on, getting right back into the gym and healthy food choices today, and I know that in the long run, this will not affect my progress. 

I'm just trying to take note of my feelings and behaviors and how they affect each other.

So I am NOT going to let the horrible feelings of guilt and hopelessness take hold of me today.  Instead I will bask in how grateful I am to be a gym member, to have an awesome gym partner, to have the health and youth I need to go kick that gym's ass today and every day, and keep moving forward on my path.  

I only have about five pounds to go until I hit the goal I set for my 31st birthday, which will put me at a total of 70 pounds lost since I started this blog a couple of years ago.  I'm pleased! After I get to that goal, I will set a new goal for 20 more pounds, which will put me at a weight I have not seen since my early twenties, the last time I lost a substantial amount of weight, before I ever moved out of West Virginia.  (Around when I graduated college.)  Once I get to THAT weight, I will be feeling incredibly elated and proud of myself!  And I'll set yet another new goal, quite possibly my last weight loss goal, of 50 more pounds, which will put me in the range I've been thinking I want to stop at.  If I get there and still feel I need to drop a few more, I'll do it, but right now, it feels GREAT to know that I'm halfway to my true long-term goal.  

I haven't been weighing myself very often lately, because the constant fluctuations make me completely fucking INSANE.  So I will probably not weigh until next Saturday morning, since I'm going to be having my monthly visitor soon (which means water weight!). 


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